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About those TV ads

Points East

If you watch television at all, say 15 minutes a day, chances are good that you’ve seen a commercial advertisement for at least one prescription pharmaceutical or another.

I’m not going to mention any specific brand names in this column other than the fictional ones that I make up as I go along, because I figure that if the real companies have enough money to purchase network advertising, they also have enough to sue me.

The most famous and successful of these drug ads promote products that promise to improve your love life by “enhancing” a man’s ability to perform what women want him to.

But a bunch of others are focused on stuff like heart health, stroke prevention, breathing problems and numerous other health issues that might be putting a serious hitch in your gitty-up. However, you may have noticed that far more airtime is used to tell you what could go wrong than in telling you what the stuff is supposed to help you deal with.

Let me use a fictional medicine by way of example. I’m going to call it Kurzesitol because any good medicine should contain an “ol” “al” and either a v, x or z in the spelling to make it work better.

If you feel droopy, down and out, and generally unfit to be a member of the human race, Kurzesitol has proven to be effective in relieving these symptoms in nearly 15 percent of the people who tried it. Ask your doctor if Kurzesitol may be the right stuff to get you straightened up and flying right.

Be sure to tell your doctor if you have liver problems, heart disease, head colds, dandruff, ingrown toenails, dental problems or arthritis of if you have ever had measles, mumps, chickenpox, a runny nose, zits, corns, or head lice.

Kurzesitol has been known to have side effects in some patients. Side effects may include constant, severe, headaches, nausea, heartburn, hair loss, blindness, jock itch, athlete’s foot, sinus infection, constipation, flatulence , leg cramps, pimples, blackheads, tooth rot, sneezing, snoring, sleepwalking , dizziness, bedwetting, liver damage, kidney failure and backaches.

In rare but severe sideeffect cases, Kurzesitol has been known to cause fatal strokes, heart attacks, suicide, leprosy, and death by torture.

But if you regularly feel tired and droopy, ask your doctor to prescribe Kurzesitol because, chances are, you will commence feeling better before you even get to the drugstore.

Okay, now that you’ve heard the pitch, doesn’t it sound a bit familiar and essentially like any number of commercials you have seen and heard touting other new and marvelous medicines. Can you wait to get to your doctor and have him or her get you a bucketful of Kurzesitol? I’m just asking.

I suspect that the real reason that the sexual performance medicine commercials are so successful is because they tell you to call your doctor if you develop a certain condition that lasts more than four hours.

Most men who develop this so-called problem would be out buying their own commercials or at least putting up a billboard because they ignore, if they even listen to at all, the other possible side effects.

Some people I know believe that if they develop the four-hour condition that it is a blessing, not a curse.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you simply don’t watch much television. And that’s probably a good thing.

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