OK, Britney, it’s your turn.
Last week, in the wee hours of the July 24, Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, possessing cocaine and, by the way, chasing a Cadillac (that belonged to the mother of one of her assistants, who reportedly had just quit. Mom was calling 911 about being chased and apparently had no idea it was Lindsay’s SUV on her tail, and – let’s just say this was the kind of day that makes most of us glad we’re not international superstars with addiction issues and another drunk-driving case pending.)
The whole thing was tragic and predictable and a spectacular development for any producer worried about what to lead the nightly news with, now that nothing seems to be erupting in Manhattan. But all it really seems to add up to is this: It’s Britney’s turn now.
See, Paris Hilton did her jail time, and before that, Britney Spears shaved her head, so clearly it was Lindsay’s turn. Dutifully, she stepped up to the plate to do something so shocking and horrible it would give the other two a little rest from the paparazzi. It’s almost as if the three of them made a pact last year:
“So you’ll go crazy in the winter, Brit. Then, Paris, you talk to Larry King in June.”
“But I have nothing to say.”
“No kidding. Anyway, I’ll take July.”
“Why do you get July? I’d rather shave my head when it’s hot out!”
“Britney, I need July because that means I can do my re-rehab in August and be out in time for my next movie, and that’s when you can – hmm. Better be something pretty big. How about French kissing Madonna?”
“Couldn’t even stand it the first time.”
“So why don’t you have the police find a couple of guns in your car?”
“Lindsay, I sing pop.”
“Well, then, just dis Clive Davis or swear off underwear again. Look, I really don’t care what you do, just make it newsy, and then Paris will take over in the winter. She can lose a sex tape or something, OK?” And then there’d be a chorus of grumbling OK’s.
Or at least, that’s how I assume they talk.
Probably, though, the truth is something a little more mundane. Remember when Ms. Lohan’s boyfriend, British bad boy Calum Best, broke up with her last month? He told the media it was because she was “too boring” when she was sober. (“That leaves him more time for Stephen Hawking,” one blogger quipped.)
Boredom, ironically, does seem to be the root of the problem for these gals. Every day it’s the same: Go out, get drunk, drive until you hit something, then get up and do it again. It’s like being a crash-test dummy.
I’d like to hope that sometime soon, these three young women can break the cycle – and not their skulls. But it must be harder than it looks. After all, the rehab clinic Ms. Lohan left so optimistically last month was called “Promises.” Not, alas, “Guarantees.”
Lenore Skenazy is a contributing editor at the New York Sun. Her e-mail address is email@example.com.
©2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.