Whitesburg KY

Don’t take applying for credit cards lightly

Somewhere in my past I should have learned: Smartalecks always get in trouble. But somehow, that lesson got past me.

I get at least five letters a week asking me to apply for credit cards. I always tear off my name, burn it, and throw their letter away. Then one day, I got a bright idea.

I took the credit card application, filled it out, and sent it back in. I used my real name and address – my first mistake. I said on the application that I had no job, no prospects for a job, had no income and depended on my relatives for money. I said I was 55 years old, mentally retarded and couldn’t take care of myself. I said my friend Bubba took care of me and brought me beer.

I said I had 12 heart attacks, diabetes, ulcers, brain cancer, was sick all the time, and had huge medical bills. I owed a lot of money to three or four psychiatrists. I said I owed just about every store in the county lots of money. I finally said I had no bank account and had filed for bankruptcy seven times.

I laughed at my own little joke and sent the application in. I thought the people in that credit card office would get a kick out of it and pass it around and laugh about it.

A month later, I got a letter from the credit card company. I laughed at what I thought their answer would be. Instead, I got a real surprise! Inside, there was a green-colored credit card with my name on it. A small note thanked me for using them for all my credit purposes.

Using the scissors, I cut that card into many pieces and put it into the box of papers that I later burned. I guess those people didn’t even read my application.

A month after that, I got a letter from the credit card company, asking why I hadn’t paid the first month’s dues. I laughed and threw it away.

Another month went by and I got a second notice, this time for two months’ overdue payments. Well, it was time for me to think this over. I called the 800 number for the credit card company and told them I didn’t want their card, never used it, and destroyed it. They still insisted on me sending them two months’ service fee. I explained to the lady what I had done, sending it back as a joke. She had absolutely no sense of humor. She said I had to send the card back to her.

After I explained again that I had destroyed the card, she still said I had to send it back. I told her, OK, that I would send her the remains of it. I got her exact address from her at the company.

I went to the burn pile, got a few ashes, and put them into an envelope and sealed it. I wrote her a letter and said, “Since you insisted that I send you back the credit card, here is what’s left of it.” I mailed the ashes and the letter and waited.

She called back. “Where’s the credit card we sent you?” I explained again that I had burned it, and sent her the ashes. She made a few threatening remarks about my credit being ruined and I almost told her where she could put the credit card ashes. She said, “We’re never going to do business with you again! Don’t send us any applications and don’t call us for a credit card!” I told her that was just fine, only I wanted her to take my name off their mailing list. She said she would and hung up.

Two weeks later, I got another application for a credit card from that same company. I sent it back with a notation for them to send it to the lady I had talked to, and she would take care of it. She didn’t call me again, but I still get applications occasionally for that green-colored credit card.

The last time I checked my credit report, sure enough, there was an unpaid monthly dues bill on there from that credit card company. I had to make a special trip to Corbin, and after explaining to the Credit Bureau what I had done, they took it off.

Don’t be a smart-aleck. You’ll get into trouble every time.

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