Whitesburg KY
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Mostly cloudy

It’s satellite TV vs. Super Bowl at Ike’s house. Which one wins?

By the time some of you read this missive, the Super Bowl will have already been played. But here’s the thing: I still will not have watched it. I’m reasonably sure someone will have told me the score or it’s bound to have been all over the news by Monday but I’m actually hoping it was 0 to 0 and both teams were declared losers because nobody scored.

If my fancy Direct TV recorder is/was up to the job and if I have/ had it programmed correctly, I should have the game saved. One day soon, I may actually hit the playback control, now that I’ve actually learned how to use it, and “watch” the Super Bowl.

But instead of insta-clicking through the commercials, I intend to set the device so that a single, 1/8 second click will jump forward a minute at a time so that I can rapidly get the game out of the way and watch them. As far as I’m concerned the Super Bowl commercials are usually far better than the football game. In fact, even those fast food denial ads are arguably as entertaining as the game. If you have ever been in the drive- through lane for over half an hour waiting for your cheeseburger, you already know that they are not fast food. But I want “fast food” and I’m not apt to become a fan of “fan food,” no matter how good the gravy is.

Sometime last November, we switched satellite TV providers because someone in the household figured out that it would save us several hundred dollars per year over the one we’d been using for more than a decade. The downside is that I had just about figured out how to use the “hopper” (recording box) on the old one and now I have to start all over again.

Unfortunately the grandkids don’t seem to have time to teach me when they are here but our great-granddaughter, Amara Neal, has her second birthday coming up soon and I plan to enlist her in my quest to master the new satellite service. We will learn together. If she is anything like the older grandchildren, she won’t have the patience to teach television technology to any old people once she reaches three because she will have it completely mastered and have us written off as slow learners.

When we signed up for Direct, we received about 50 “premium” movie channels such as HBO, ShowTime, Starz, Encore, etc., “free” for 90 days. So far, I have recorded well over a hundred movies and I’ll probably be watching one of them while many, if not most, of you are watching the Super Bowl. Unlike the old recorder, this one will let me record up to five movies that are playing on different stations at the same time.

Anyway, that 90 days “free movies trial” should be expiring around the middle of February and any day now I expect the phone to start ringing off the proverbial hook from telemarketers who will try to insist that I can’t possibly live without name-anypremium channel.

We are only apt to get half a dozen imploring calls from the satellite company because they already know we are not going to stop sending them the 80 or so bucks we pay without all the movie channels. However all the aforementioned movie channels and at least half a dozen of their brethren now believe that we should be so addicted to their particular service and that we will jump at any chance to keep from losing the “fix”.

I hardly ever take the calls because I enjoy hitting the end-call button on our landline before they have a chance to speak. We had to give the company a telephone number when we signed up and nobody in the household was willing to divulge their cell number. Since I don’t have a cell phone and don’t want one, I get to suffer the telemarketing plague.

I’m thinking about putting a message on the answering machine that I can turn on every time a number that I don’t recognize pops up on caller ID. “I’ve spent the last 90 days ‘taping’ several hundred of your movies,” it will say. “I’m all set for the rest of my life.”

I’ve forgotten the movie title but while everybody else is or was watching the ball game, I’ll be crushing on Meg Ryan. I’d be willing to bet some $$ that I will be or was far more entertained than football fans unless, of course, I find out that both teams lost. In which case, I’ll hope the recorder was working properly.

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