Whitesburg KY

Still thanking

Lenore Skenazy

Lenore Skenazy

Things to be thankful for after Thanksgiving. Be glad…

1) You were not crushed while attempting to buy a flat-screen TV. (If you were crushed, please skip to item 15. And — sorry.)

2) You presumably understand how to use your flat-screen TV. That’s not a minor achievement if you have more than three remotes. So celebrate your know-how, and double it if you understand your TiVo-replacing cable digital adapter and how to erase the shows you want to erase and not erase the shows that— I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize some people in this family wanted to keep those! How was I supposed to know each basketball game was that important? Anyway, also please celebrate the fact that…

3) You did not gain 10 pounds from just one single meal. (Unless somehow you did. Did you not realize that candied yams are actually the equivalent of orangecolored fudge? You really had no idea that the reason they taste so good is not the beta carotene and fiber but the fact that all sweet potato casserole recipes call for a stick of butter gently sauteed in another stick of butter? Well, now you do. Start jogging.)

4) Be thankful that we live in a free country … that, OK, happens to listen in on your phone calls. And read your emails. And intercept your texts. And keep track of your car. And know what you are doing, with whom and where, at all times. But hey, so does Santa, and everyone’s thankful for him.

5) Be thankful that despite the traffic and weather (which constituted 86 percent of the conversation), you eventually got where you were going.

6) Be thankful you’re not still there.

7) Appreciate the fact that this week, it’s just back to work, because that means you have work.

8) Don’t forget to be grateful for December. Not only is it stuffed with holiday cheer but also the dayafter Xmas sales make Black Friday look like Prices at the Airport Gift Shop Day.

9) Appreciate the fact that you don’t have to eat another cranberry for 360 or so days, unless you really like eating side orders of jelly.

10) Be glad that you can take the Indian corn off your door. It was pretty, but sometimes it’s depressing to think of how boring and standardized our perfect yellow sweet corn — a metaphor for modern, atomized society — has become. Maroon, white and black kernels just rub it in.

11) Rejoice that it’s almost that time of year when, for a week or two, no one does anything at the office except show up and browse Etsy.

12) Be glad that with guests gone, now you can fit comfortably around the table again. (Unless — well, see item 3.)

13) Be grateful for your local newspaper! This is not just a craven plea from someone who works for them. It’s a DESPERATE plea. Newspapers are like your teeth; ignore them and they’ll go away.

15) Be grateful you can count. Not everyone can.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of “Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self- Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)” and “Who’s the Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the- Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can’t Remember Right Now.”

©2013 Creators

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