In the interest of providing the public with a service it has needed for some time — especially these past few days — we proudly present the first failproof quiz to determine: IS YOUR ELECTED OFFICIAL HAVING AN AFFAIR?
Look closely at his or her (come
on — who are we kidding? — his
behavior, and mark “X” next to any of the following items that apply.
Or even “XXX.”
— Has he left for a foreign country carrying only a Speedo and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s?
— Did he sponsor or co-sponsor legislation titled “No love child left behind”?
— When he closed the door to his office, were there giggles audible from the inside? Were these followed by “wait, let me tell those darn senators I’m in a budget meeting” and then more giggles and the popping of a cork?
— The last time he denied to the press that he was having an affair, did he keep one hand hidden behind his back?
— When questioned by reporters as to why he was leaving a Marriott at 3 in the morning on his wife’s birthday, did he mumble, “You guys ever hear of an Arbor Day planning session that finished on time?”
— When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did his wife reply, “Why the heck are you asking me?”
— When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did his chief of staff reply, “He’s on the Appalachian Trail”?
— Has he ever been spotted in a Victoria’s Secret near the airport on his way to a conference with the president of Gabon?
— On the campaign trail, did he swear to be “a man you can thrust” and then turn beet red?
— Or did he swear that he represents “chains you can believe in” or promise “four more rears”?
— Does he ever come to the office wearing the name tag from yesterday’s donor reception?
— Does he ever come to the office with lipstick on his flag pin?
— Does he seem strangely enthusiastic about the waterborne intestinal parasites convention he’s about to attend with his new intern?
— Has he ever claimed he is so pro-family he has two?
— Has he spent the past four days in Argentina or a Motel 6?
— When shaking hands with attractive constituents, does he wink and say, “I have a pole I’d like you to take”?
— When kissing babies, does he ask, “Is this one mine?”
— Does the mother often reply with a slap?
SCORING (so to speak): If you checked off any of these items, your elected official is a lot like a lot of other elected officials since the beginning of time. And more, I’m sure, to come.
Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com and the author of the book “Free- Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry.”
©2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.