I’ve been looking for a place to use this quote in a column for some time now and finally decided it’s never going to fit just anywhere so I’ll just make an entire column of it.
Last summer I was at a Little League game where I struck up a conversation with one of my favorite preschoolers who was still too young to be out there shagging flies, and we started talking about fishing because I was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a huge, silk-screened bass.
The young man said he loved to go fishing with his grandpa in the lake just around the bend. I asked where his grandpa worked. Said grandson replied, “Oh he don’t work at nothing ‘cept his garden. Now that he’s old, he’s just retarded”.
I tried not to laugh too loudly but I thought to myself that the late Art Linkletter would have paid good money to have my little pal on his TV show if he’d been around back in the 1960s or at least he would have used the quote in one of his “Kids Say the Darndest Things” books.
As an adult I was a huge fan of The Bill Cosby Show, particularly when he interviewed little people. Here are a few quotes made by the younger set that I recall from either a Linkletter book or from Cosby.
A kindergarten student told her teacher that her dad was in the hospital having an operation. The teacher asked what sort of operation ? The young lady said she didn’t know for sure but it was really bad and she thought “the doctors were taking out his terectomy.”
“I love my Gramma because she smells like the good old days.”
“Gramma, did you know your underwear won’t flush down the toilet?”
Asked what he learned in Sunday School that day, one little fellow said he’d found out that God named all the animals, “and guess what, He got em all right.”
“My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow’s homework too.”
“My teacher said I have a problem when it comes to listening. I think she has a problem when it comes to teaching.”
“When it gets dark it’s because God turned out the lights so that he could finally get some sleep.”
“Momma, I can’t go to school today ‘cause I got the hiccups and if I go to school Mrs. Ochs is gonna get mad ‘cause she can’t get nothing done ‘cause she and all the other kids will just be sitting there hiccupping all day.”
“ Do you think my mommy would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and mailed them off to China or somewhere like that?”
’“ You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher.”
After getting a rose bush scratch on her cheek, a little girl was heard to say, “ Oh no! My face is ruined and now I’ll never get to be on American Idol because Simon will say I’m hideous.”
“I didn’t know ladies could have a mustache. Very cool! “
“Mommy, if those trees are naked, how come I can’t see their butts?”
“Wow Mom. Gramma said if your butt gets any bigger, you’re gonna have to put a wide load sign on it when you go out shopping.”
“You should give everyone a compliment even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s your teacher and you know that she’s really the wicked witch of the west.”
“Hey Mom, come out here and watch me feed the bushes like Daddy did last night.”
From a little girl, giving dating advice to her big sister: “Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys might say something smart if you listen long enough.”
“Try to be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”
“Tell your wife she’s pretty even if she looks like a wrecked truck.”
“Love will find you even if you try to hide from it, which I’ve been trying to do but there’s a certain bunch of girls that find me every time.”
“My mom says to look for a husband who is kind, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll be looking for one who is kinda tall and good looking.”
“Grandpa, Dad said I should just ignore you ‘cause you’re an ignoramus.”
Columnist Ike Adams is a Letcher County native of Blair Branch, Jeremiah, now living at Paint Lick in Garrard County.