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This is global warming?

Points East

I’m really confused about all this global warming bull being foisted on us by the high and mighty numskull squad of overfunded, self-righteous scientists and the good old United States news media.

My little corner of the globe has been getting colder and colder over the last couple of years. I don’t deny that we’ve had a few consecutive warm winter spells since the turn of the century. On the other hand, the southeastern part of the United States is currently undergoing the coldest winter we’ve seen in 40 years after experiencing the coolest summer since back in the mid ‘50s.

In the meantime, while weather patterns follow a somewhat predictable flow from decade to decade, half the population of the continent is suddenly up in alarm in fear that the North Pole is melting and California is going to be washed away, and they blame it all on coal.

You can’t walk through downtown Berea these days for fear of getting hit by an errant jerking knee in fear of coal. If I were in charge of things, I’d simply cut off all coal-generated power going into Berea and let them fix their problem. A sun god mounted on top of Boone Tavern ought to do it, especially if they can turn jerking knees into electricity.

Actually, California is going to be washed away because of earthquakes and normal erosion sometime down the line, but not in our lifetime. Thank God. Can you imagine an influx of washed-away Californians moving to your town? If that doesn’t make you shudder, I don’t know what it will take.

And also, thank God, California is apt to be around well after Arnold Whatanasser learns to speeek Angleeesh.

Your average hillbilly can leave the mountains, move to Detroit, or for that matter, California , and then come home for a visit eight weeks later and you can’t understand a word he says because he has the dialect of his new locale down pat and does not want to fall back into bad diction habits.

I’ve had hundreds of cousins move northward with a parting salute and a fare-thee-well: “Reckon I’ll see ya’all in a little while if the good Lord’s a willin’ and the creeks don’t rise.”

On the first visit home, instead of “How you all doin’? That young’un sure is growin’ up,” it’s “ououou mye goodness it is so wonderful to see youse gouys again. UOOO OOO ooo, mye, mye, isn’t sweet little Johnny commencing to mature?”

I swear to you, they learn this in eight weeks or less. Arnold has been in California for 60 years and he still sounds like a Hungarian who learned what little English he can pronounce from a sailor while he was on the boat on his way over here. Not only that, but he married into the Kennedy Clan, paradoxically still hates welfare and got himself elected Governor of California. I figure that as soon as his term is up he will move to Minnesota, announce that he is a candidate for guv, and be elected by a landslide without spending a dime on his campaign. As in California, all you have to have to be Governor of Minnesota is an empty skull and a fantastic body.

In Kentucky, all you have to have is an empty skull with a devious atmosphere inside it to get elected to anything. If you don’t believe me, take a long hard look at our legislature and the governor’s office.

But don’t get involved in any duels unless you can lie your way out of it. Even you might consider running for office and you surely would not swear a lie.


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